“Fox news has obtained exclusive footage of an attempted Breed terrorist break-out at Gauntanamo,” said a doughy man, barely audible over the volume of his bow-tie. In a shaky phone video, Rui could be seen strafing overhead, setting buildings on fire. The focus shifted jerkily to Ben, who knocked down a prison wall, causing mostly brown men to scurry out of a building. “Anonymous sources claim no terrorists were released as a part of this action, and further claimed that all of the Breed terrorists, a phrase which to this reporter, feels redundant, were all either captured or killed in the assault. Officials at the Pentagon and White House refused to comment on the basis of national security.”
“Pucker Carlson can exclusively eat dicks,” Drake said. “In fact, that might explain his disposition.”
“Okay, but what does any of that tell you?” Mikaela asked.
“That Fox news somehow gets more bigoted and cranky with every passing day in parallel with their target demo?” Iago asked.
“That Fox’s elderly viewership must be getting easier to fool in direct correlation with how intellectually lazy and sloppy they get?” Tucker asked.
“I think I could bag on them all day,” Drake said, “but suspect you had a real point.”
“Yep. Release of a shaky hand-shot footage means that this wasn’t an official release; the government wanted to keep it quiet. They probably knew it was a loser- at best they look incompetent for the break-in succeeding. Two, we know nobody died, so whoever leaked this knew that the story was a dog, and had to spice it up by making the military response look more capable.”
“Then why release anything?” Iago asked.
“Because they’re just that bigoted,” Tucker said. “They got their butts handed to them by people their Dear Leader told them are their inferiors. They couldn’t prove their worth, so they need to use the story to stick it to us, instead.”
“You sound pretty damn sure.”
“I’m not reading any minds from half a world away. But I’ve known the type. It doesn’t matter if it’s rational. Their fragile ego demands satisfaction, even if it’s them who ends up bleeding for it.”
“This could get people killed,” Mikaela said.
“That’s always the hope, isn’t it?” Tucker asked. “It’s stochastic terrorism. The more hate they pump into the atmosphere, the more likely someone will take them seriously and attack a pizza parlor for harboring a pedophile ring, or attack women for having the audacity not to date literally any incel who pisses on her shoes, or shoot up a campus for Breed students for existing. And it doesn’t matter if it’s not one-to-one, either, in fact, that’s preferable. That way right-wing nutjobs can incite random violence as a business model on Fox, without ever being tied to any particular incident. But the fear for those of us who are on their radar is real, and persistent. They get to use fear as a weapon, but get to deny it as polite discourse.”
“You sound kind of like you want to burn down a news station.”
“Only one? I guess I’m better at hiding my anger than I realized.”