Deadpool 3: No More Mutants r. Nice Guy
I’m assuming this one maintains the series R rating, and the
pitch will reflect this, so properly warned ye be, says I.
Starts with slow-motion of Scarlet Witch using her powers;
she’s wearing a more comics accurate costume, and it might even be better if it
doesn’t actually work, as we get Deadpool narrating. “Stop me if you’ve heard
this before. Ultrapowerful, reality-warping witch says three little magic
words. No, not ‘I love you,’ this isn’t that kind of story, unless you find
genocide romantic.” Cut to an image of Thanos, with silence, before slowly
panning out to reveal he has dad bod. “Aw, I can’t stay mad at the dad bod mad
Titan. But no, this chick.” Back to Scarlet Witch. “Where I come from, mutants
and humans had been locked in a love-hate relationship since at least the
Carter administration, until this red head said,” close on her lips as they
both say, “’No More Mutants.’” And like that, poof, we were dropped in
something called a Marvel Cinematic Universe. I miss the 616, my old gang of
street toughs in Ontario. But here? You people don’t like immigrants who walk
across your borders, let alone ones who portal directly into New York. You put
us in cages, forced us to have a failed reality show host as President. And you
only got back Popeye’s chicken sandwiches like a week ago; you sad bastards had
been eating Chick-Fil-A. This was easily the worst parallel Earth I’d ever been
marooned in- and I can’t count how many that is on all my fingers, including
all the ones I severed that week I tried to learn how to make home-made sushi.
And then we found out- your world had a Scarlet Witch, too. Only this one
wasn’t a mutant. Can you imagine? The last one hated her own kind enough to try
to kill us off en masse. What about one who didn’t even have a mutant brother
and father?”
“Worried if I went to the future, I’d come back with an alt-right hairstyle myself, I sent our already fashionately victimized Cable.”
Deadpool and Cable are on a tarmac, recreating the scene from Casablanca, with Deadpool doing his best Bogart. “Last night, last night we agreed on so many things, and that I’d do the thinking for both of us. And you’re going.”
“Wade, we already decided I’m going.”
“But if you need me, dollface, just whistle.”
“You’re not in the same movie, anymore, or even the same actor.”
“You know how to whistle, don’t ya?” Deadpool asks, before putting a finger to Cable’s lips. “Put your unchapped lips together and blow.”
Vanessa (Copycat) wraps her arm around Deadpool to scoot him away, “Okay, you’re going to have to talk to Disney HR again if you keep touching people’s lips without their permission.”
“I don’t think we’re supposed to acknowledge that isneyDay oughtbay oxFay.” (his Pig Latin is captioned as, “We Welcome Our New Mousey Overlords”). Deadpool thinks, and he gets a literal thought balloon, with a Mickey insignia, a plus sign and the Deadpool logo, which equals a crayon drawing of Deadpool impaled on his own and various other swords from Disney lore, include a keyblade and the sword from the stone).
“How long are we waiting for him?” Vanessa asks, her skin shifting slightly.
“You know enigmatic Cable,” (now we get a Cable impression), “’I only have the one eye, and time pieces are for pussies. Real men arrive when they get there.” For some reason he grabs his crotch and spits, to punctuate it, realizing too late he didn’t lift his mask, “Gah, it’s all over in my mask. I knew this is what working with Disney would be like, but somehow, thought I’d enjoy it more.”
“Cable said he’d meet us 30 seconds after he left,” Domino interjects.
“Yes,” Deadpool ramps, “if you mean to take the man literally; but Nathan and I have a special bond, one where words have exotic meanings.”
Cable portals back. “He stop being an idiot at all while I was gone?” Cable asks.
“He was too busy choking on his own spit inside his mask to talk for a second, if that counts,” Domino offers. “Probably doesn’t count. But the future? Scale of one to ten, how bad does it look?”
Close in on Cable, looking steely. “We’re fucked.”
Cut back to the X-Force bunker (where they held their tryouts in Deadpool 2: Oops I Fridged Her Again). There’s a large, empty chair, and we flashback, to when it was filled, the flashback denoted by a really cheesy wavy line effect. “Nyet!” Colossus, animated, yells. “What you are discussing, is not right, Wade. It is profiling, it is assuming based on who you think someone is, that they will do something bad. It is what happens to mutants every day, and as an X-Man, I cannot do it to someone else- especially someone who has saved the world, been a hero, not just one day, but many, through many trials. I cannot do, what you ask me to.”
“Peter,” Deadpool says, emotion swelling in his voice, “don’t let the door hit you where the blacksmith split you,” he emphasizes the point by slapping Colossus’ ass, then cradling the crack.
“Is not a joke, Wade.”
“Putter, for once, I ain’t laughing.” Fade back, Colossus disappearing from the doorway.
Cable starts his briefing. “I couldn’t pinpoint a locus for when she says it, but within a few years, Scarlet Witch tries to banish us all over again. Half of us blink out of existence, maybe sent someplace else, maybe just dropped in the sun, but we’re never heard from again. Most of the rest of us lose what makes us mutants, but we rise up, anyway, try to take the fight to her. It’s a bloodbath; we take out the Avengers, they take out the X-Men. Eventually, it’s just her band of loyalists sticking by her: her brother, her lover, and her twins; I heard rumors Magneto stuck his neck out for her, a time or two. The fight came down to them, against those of us remaining with combat training- including those in this room. I fought, side by side with my counterpart. But we still lost.”
“Vanessa?” Deadpool says, emotion echoing in his voice; we hold on this a moment, because it’s the emotional crux of the movie.
“She died, Wade. We all died.” We see an explosion, with alternate Cable shielding our Cable, saving his life. Cut to an ER, Cable laid up watching TV. “I was still healing from the fight when the villains took over- Doom, Loki, Kingpin, Osborn- a whole, secret Cabal of supervillains. And there weren’t enough of us left to turn them back. They won- not just a battle, but the whole damn war.”
“Thank you, ghost of grumpy Christmas future,” Deadpool begins. “Would it kill you, just once, to come back with good news? They open a new Pinkberry just down the street from our headquarters.”
“I checked, like you asked, and they don’t.”
“Am I the only one who hears that story and thinks maybe we shouldn’t try to fight the Scarlet Witch, then?” Domino asks. “Nobody? Okay. I guess, maybe if I’m there, with my powers, everything will fall into place. Or maybe you all die, and I walk away.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Cable says. “The one thing I’ve seen cancels out your lucky streak was the Witch.”
“You at least come back with anything actionable?” Copycat asks. “Like an explanation for how you can suddenly change shape and dupe powers?” Cable growls. Deadpool intercedes: “We play don’t ask don’t tell in le boudoir le Deadpool.”
“I don’t trust new faces, and hers is new every time I see it,” Cable says. “But yeah. The Witch’s brother is Quicksilver. Fastest man alive. Second fastest is the Witch’s kid, goes by Speed; the other one, name of Wiccan. Between the pair of them, they’re the Witch and her brother, but with less experience. I’d start there.”
“And I say we start there,” Deadpool says, bumping Cable.
“Did you just bump dicks with me?” Domino’s eyebrow goes up. “I’m asking because I couldn’t be sure,” Cable continues. “Thought maybe it was a button, baby aspirin, Necco wafer.”
“Aw, you like old lady candy,” Deadpool says preciously.
“Wade, focus,” Copycat says.
“Right. We start with the children. Women and children first was always my go to.”
“The Witch is the most powerful of them all. Our best bet is to work our way through her entourage, hope we can throw her off her game, maybe one of us can pick her off with a rifle before she knows we’re there,” Cable says.
“She’s the most powerful? I thought you said Magneto might show,” Domino says.
“He might. And if he does, he’ll be a close second- but not that close. And Vision’s no slouch. He single-handedly took down half of the X-Men. Quicksilver can move ten times the speed of sound, and he’s going to be the second easiest one to bag.”
“Bag?” Deadpool asks. “I thought we got the R rating so the only thing I had to bag was corpses- teabagging them, that is,” he does a few squats for emphasis- onto the camera, I would say.
“Quicksilver’s a mutant,” Cable says. “The twins might be, too. And if it comes to a fight between man and mutant, we could need every soldier. You want to shoot the droid”
“Please don’t sue us, Lucasfilm,” Deadpool says. Vanessa whispers something into his ear, “Our parent owns them, too? Hah. Suck it, hemdroid.”
“You want to shoot the robot or the Witch, I won’t stand in your way.”
“I have a plan,” Deadpool says.
“I have a bad feeling,” Domino replies.
Deadpool pulls a tube out of his utility belt and says, “Try Deadpool brand medicated crotch powder. Because we all have bad feelings, sometimes, but that’s no reason not to put chili powder in your underpants.” Without skipping a beat he launches into his plan, “Now, Wanda’s kids are right around that age where I started getting kicked out of every library and getting a lot of papercuts.”
“I think he means puberty,” Vanessa says, “though it’s hard to know for sure.”
“Hard, right,” he claps her enthusiastically on the back. “There’s nothing dumber than a teenager with an erection.”
“You, with or without an erection,” Domino says.
“I imagine this hostility is because you’ve guessed the next phase of my totally feminist plan.”
POV, Deadpool watches Vanessa through binoculars. “Could you stop ogling your woman long enough to check the field?” Cable complains. I don’t imagine you have to tart up Domino or Vanessa much- their usual costumes are probably enough, but they stand a little more provocatively, bat their eyes. We pull back to reveal Speed and Wiccan noticing them. Back to close on the ladies, where suddenly Speed is zipping around them, talking at an increased pace and from several different directions. “Hey, ladies, tell me if I’m moving too fast for you.”
“Not at all,” Vanessa says, strokes her fingers down his cheek. There’s a spark, and she says, “Got it,” before at rapid speed she produces a taser and electrocutes Speed, who flops to the ground.
“Guess I’ve got the slowpoke,” Domino says, running at Wiccan. He whispers an incantation, and she floats into the air.
“Actually, it’s Wiccan,” he says.
“Nuts.”
“They’re in trouble. To me, my X-Farce.” Deadpool runs at Wiccan, who is busy fending off attempts by Domino’s powers to get her down, everything from birds crapping at him in rapid succession to a telephone pole falling very close by, while also trying to deal with an approaching Copycat (I’m assuming his first impulse was to slow her down- which makes her somewhat more manageable). Deadpool draws his swords, then there’s movement out of the corner of his eye, and suddenly there’s a Hulk(ling) landing on Deadpool with a crack. Hulkling kicks Deadpool in the crotch on the ground.
“Wrong bait, numbnuts,” he says. Deadpool, an octave higher than usual.
“What kind of a Hulk calls a man numbnuts?”
“A totally awesome one,” he says with a smile (please, no letters, I know Teddy isn’t the Totally Awesome Hulk; Amadeus Cho requires significantly more back-story and setup before he gets to be green- but the banter’s still a fun nod). “Kidding. I prefer Hulkling. Kind of a riff on- you know, I can tell you’re dealing with more important- shit!” He curses, as Negasonic hits him from behind.
“Hi, Yukio,” Deadpool says, and waves.
“Hi, Wade,” she replies, smiling and waving back.
Wiccan turns, unleashing a blast of magical energies that downs all of them. Cable takes a shot from cover, putting Wiccan down, before entering frame. Copycat is released from Wiccan’s slowing spell, and Domino lands gracefully from midair. “Everybody okay?” Cable asks, helping Yukio and Negasonic up first.
“It’s okay, it’s fine, nobody help me,” Deadpool complains as he rises. The shot is framed in such a way that as Deadpool stands, the camera is looking between his legs at the rest of them look on, horrified as blood drips from his tights. “Are you bleeding from the dick?” Negasonic asks, disgusted. “Nobody said anything about a Hulk kicking me in the nuts, or I’d have worn a cup.”
“I’m assuming you mean a shot glass,” she replies.
“You’d be wearing it on the inside, after a kick like that,” Cable replies.
“He seems like he’s been the butt of the joke a lot today,” Domino observes.
“And the dick and the balls,” Vanessa adds.
“Too soon,” Deadpool moans. We cut away.
“Teddy,” Wiccan says, reaching for Hulking’s hand where they’ve fallen. Deadpool gasps.
“Holy representation, Batman! My movie has two gay couples. That’s like ten times as many as Singer, and we didn’t even get all preachy about it. We did just clobber one of them, but someday they might have helped a genocide. We’re mostly the good guys, right?” Negasonic gives kind of a shrug.
We cut to them filming a hostage video, with Speed and Wiccan tied back to back, with Teddy panned over to slightly off to the side. “And if you want to see your sons and one of your son’s lovers again-”
Domino pulls up her balaclava. “Why are you disguising your voice? You aren’t even wearing a different mask.”
Deadpool ignores her. “I guess we didn’t really get details. Maybe they’re taking it slow. Or maybe there’s a love triangle still developing- and I don’t want to put anyone in a box- Back to one. We have your sons and their green acquaintance. Send yourself, your robot chum, your estranged interdimensional sibling and possibly your also estranged interdimensional father to the address at the bottom of your screen, or prepare to take delivery of them piecemeal over the course of the next several seasons.”
“This is a stupid idea,” Cable says. “We nearly had our clocks cleaned by three kids. Now you want to tangle with the adult versions, plus a homicidal android and her father, a man who is not exaggerating when he calls himself the Master of Magnetism?”
“I know you’re concerned. But I looked at the script, and unless we were going to fit in an intermission or at least an Infinity Gauntlet, there was no way that running time was going to fly. So we’re simplifying. Get them all here for one quick dust up for all the marbles.”
“And if they do to your marbles what the kids did?”
“You’re right,” Deadpool says gravely, squeezing Cable’s shoulder, “I should grab my cup.”
There is a fade to black, with slow titles “Five Minutes Later,” with Deadpool making jokes about it being a sequence they shot in real time, but he always uses it to go to the bathroom- he’s got a tiny bladder and the suit really pushes in on it- but it’s basically an intermission, so feel free to stretch your legs, freshen up your popcorn, play a little Canadian Tonsil Hockey- where it’s not a real game unless everybody loses tooth! All accompanied by the sounds of him unzipping and removing his costume, sliding on a cup, possibly narrating some of it, then zipping back up.
From there, it’s just Deadpool doing an a capela version of a Wam! song’s instrumentation until we fade back in on the action, which, fittingly, is a close-up of him adjusting his cup beneath his suit. “For some reason, I feel more confident, now.” We pan out, and can see that he’s not just wearing a cup, but the most oversized cup we can find.
Negasonic raises an eyebrow at Vanessa. “His overcompensation is one of his charms,” Vanessa says.
“What are the others?” she deadpans, and Vanessa smirks.
Many close up shots in a montage of a heist, cut together in
overlapping frames like the action scenes from the Ang Lee Hulk, which were
meant to look like comic panels but mostly just became visual noise, as
Deadpool narrates “All right, I’m going to level with you. There was a whole
second act story about us breaking into the labs of an Essex Genetic
Laboratory, stealing some sort of Legacy Virus McGuffin, but we couldn’t get it
to cut together in an interesting way; we even brought in Ang Lee to help us
capture that comic book feel, but the editing made me,” he heaves, as we switch
to an atmospheric sneaker commercial, smoke, a spotlight over red and black
shoes, “nauseous, and I love you all too much to make you vomit on your new
Nike Deadpools. $100 sneakers, made with almost 30% less child labor, and at
only 300% of the price.” Deadpool continues, in a lawyer-commercial voice,
“Nike’s lawyers would like you to know that it, like virtually every
corporation, sub-contracts labor and cannot be held responsible for working
conditions it pays pennies on the dollar for in countries with histories of
poor labor protections.”
We zoom out, revealing that the foot inside the Deadpools
belongs to Firefist. We go to slow-mo, him blasting a ball of fire at Scarlet
Witch as Quicksilver circles around it, knocking Firefist out of his sneakers,
before going back to normal speed. Domino fires at Witch, who turns the bullets
into doves with her magic, and Quicksilver runs at Domino. Slow-mo again, as
Quicksilver, now wearing Firefist’s Deadpools, has them come unlaced. He trips
on the laces, and goes bouncing down the street, past Domino, pinballing off
one car and denting it halfway in and hitting another on the opposite side of
the street, continuing until flattening in a very Wile E. Coyote way against a
brick wall. “Speedster’s down,” Cable says, over comms.
Vision and Viv phase up out of the concrete. “Nobody said a thing about a second, girly Vision,” Deadpool says, “And since when has the original had such long, luxurious hair?”
“I hate alternate timelines,” Cable says, and starts firing. Viv phases through the bullets, Vision hardens himself so the bullets bounce off him. “Deadpool, distraction,” Cable says.
“Was this a worm situation? Thanos tore Vision apart, and the half that didn’t have the twig and berries became Ms. Vision, while the dick-side grew a whole new dick.”
“The Vision you knew was a prototype,” Vision replies. “We are an… evolution of the concept.”
“Evolution,” Cable snorts, slapping a metal doohickey onto one of the Visions. Electricity arcs from the device to both Visions. “My toilet has a more advanced AI.”
“Why would a toilet need advanced AI?” Deadpool asks. “To sweetly sing to you to help your old man prostate make water? To coax big boom booms out of your tight bum-bum?” Cable turns and gut-shoots Deadpool.
“Fuck!”
“You’ll heal.”
“Stay away from them,” Scarlet Witch yells, blasting all of them off their feet.
“Copycat,” Cable says. Quicksilver hobbles to the Witch’s side, before punching her. Quicksilver shifts back to Copycat, standing over her. Witch tries to magic her, but Copycat is able to fend her off using her own stolen abilities, at least for a moment. “We need to end this,” Cable says.
“Love to,” Deadpool replies,” I just can’t seem to raise my gun. Or move.”
“Heal faster,” Cable barks. “Says the man who gut-shot me.”
We hear a commanding voice over their comms. “There’s just enough iron in the blood to immobilize a person, magnetically. Tapping into your comms, is a subtler manipulation, though both are child’s play, to the Master of Magnetism.” Magneto tears his way through something metal for a dramatic entrance, say a jack-knifed semi-track acting as a backdrop for the fight. Scarlet Witch blasts the immobilized Copycat off her feet. Magneto helps the Witch back to her feet. “Are you certain about this course?” he asks her. “I could tear the blood from their veins and finish this.”
“There’s been enough violence. Too much,” she says.
“Very well.”
“Wade,” we recognize the voice as a large figure descends from the heavens; Deadpool can’t see them at first, but imagines them in a Venus tableau, including the figure riding in a clam shell.
“Why am I getting a Peter tingle?” Deadpool asks.
Magneto sets Colossus down in front of Deadpool. “End this madness. The Maximoffs, the Visions, even Magneto, do not want this conflict. You are fighting on the wrong side, for the wrong reasons. But it’s not too late.”
“I’d say the same to you, Petey, but my Russian accent always comes out sound like Natasha- from Rocky and Bulwinkle, not the Black Widow- which gives me an erection, but I’m wearing a cup and there’s no place for it to go.”
Negasonic blasts Colossus from behind. “That’s not what Vanessa told me,” she says.
“Hi, Yukio,” Deadpool says.
“Hi, Wade.”
“Enough!” The Scarlet Witch bellows, blasting them all off their feet again.
“Oh, right, the life or death struggle doesn’t stop just because we’re making dick jokes,” Deadpool says, starting to get up off the ground. He’s suddenly lifted up by the Witch’s magic.
“I’ve done outreach, among the mutants,” she starts. “I asked about you. Many of your kind have unkind words for you, but most agree, grudgingly, that your heart is usually in the right place- even if your head is-”
“In the gutter,” Vanessa offers.
“Not screwed on tight enough,” Cable offers.
“Up his ass,” Negasonic adds.
“Your compatriots make excellent points,” the Witch replies. “While I may not be a mutant, I know what it is to be hated and feared; I could never do that to anyone else. I am not the monster you fought.”
“No, you’re New Coke her- hipper, edgier, and you make me want to punch my way through a Kindergarten class.”
“Are you insane?” Witch asks.
“That’s debatable,” Negasonic says.
“I don’t want to destroy mutants,” Witch continues. “I don’t even want to destroy you. I just want my sons back, and to be left alone.”
“That’s not what the future says,” Cable barks.
“Ah. So your entire team are insane. At least there’s some organizing principle. Go, then, back to your future, tell me what you see now.”
“Bodyslide, by one.” Cable disappears, before reappearing. “It’s all gone, the slaughter, the Cabal. The future changed. Wade, we don’t have to do this.”
Close up of a Claymore mine, hidden behind the car Quicksilver bounded off of earlier. Deadpool hits the trigger clipped to his belt, and it goes off, shredding the car and hitting everyone, Wade most of all, but he’s still the first back on his feet. Magneto and the Witch are able to deflect some of the damage, but basically everyone is wounded. “Vanessa?” he yells.
“Could have warned me,” she says, moaning from the ground with a flesh wound.
“If the future changed, it can change back,” Deadpool says, limping forward. He pulls his sidearm, and advances towards the Scarlet Witch.
“Wade, please,” Colossus says struggling to stand, revealing that the back part of his uniform was blasted off by Negasonic, leaving him with an open butt flap like on an old-timey set of long-johns. “You are a good man. I know it. The only man you must truly prove it to is you.”
“Damnit, I can’t stay mad at that bare, metal ass,” Deadpool says, cupping Colossus’ butt.
“Is that something I need to be worried about?” Vanessa asks.
“Beginning to think this story has three gay couples,” Cable says gruffly.
“You can’t stop me,” Deadpool says.
“No,” Colossus says, stepping out of the way. “Only you can.”
Deadpool groans, and helps Scarlet Witch to her feet, holding his gun in her guts. “Swear to me you aren’t going to go genocidal monster on us.” She realizes, after a moment, that he is holding out his pinky solemnly. She wraps her pinky around his.
“I swear it.”
“Good,” Deadpool says, and holsters his pistol. “Cause if you break a sacred pinky promise, I’ll kill you. And I don’t care how many alternate dimension relatives of yours I have to shoot to get to you.”
“Wade,” Copycat touches his shoulder, and he collapses into her arms, trembling. “It’s okay,” she says, holding him.
“I couldn’t lose you again,” he says.
“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” she says, and kisses him.
Mid-Credits Scene: Darkness. We can hear Deadpool outside, going on about wrapping things up in a neat little bow. Cable reminds him, as they open the door, that he’s forgetting one thing- the virus we showed them heisting in quick-cuts earlier. “What do you do with a virus that can target anyone?” Cable asks.
“Use it on Nazis?” Deadpool offers.
“Wade,” Colossus groans.
“What? Who’s going to miss Nazis?”
“Barbers who can only do that fascist hairstyle?” Vanessa guesses.
“Other racists who get kind of a pass when there are actual Nazis around,” Domino says.
“Their racist grandmothers?” Negasonic asks.
Deadpool sighs dramatically, “Fine, we won’t impulsively unleash a genocidal bioweapon. Moms.”
End Credits Scene: Deadpool comes out: “You’re still
here? There isn’t a teaser for the next one because we’re not doing a next one.
I did three. I’m done. They didn’t ask Chris Evans to do Cap 4, or RDJ to do
IM4 (pronounced “Ridge and “Imfur” respectively).” (someone offscreen starts
talking to him, probably the director, cause it’s funner). “Hemsworth did what?
Damnit. Now they’ll never stop asking for more sequels. That
beautiful, blonde, delectable, son of lickable-
Cut to Black, with white text: Deadpool Might Be Back in
X-Force, because Ryan Reynolds needs two more pools, one for peeps and one for
poops
