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This show is kind of New Mutants for everyone else, letting us seed in characters that will make up the Runaways, more Young Avengers, maybe the Champions, if we’re feeling squirrely, New Warriors, Defenders, and of course there’s likely to be churn amongst the main Avengers team, too. And really, there are so damned many X-Men we probably can’t cover all of them in New Mutants, or maybe some who don’t want to be X-Men or join Magneto’s Brotherhood.

But honestly, it’s also so we can have the dark sequel series, where we feed them all into a woodchipper, Avengers Arena. Because that series is basically Battle Royale meets a world full of teenage sidekicks. It is darkly addictive fun.

In the books, the Avengers Academy is a reaction to Civil War, specifically that now that heroes have been drafted, there’s an Avengers Initiative to have a team in all 50 states, which means they need a hell of a lot more heroes, and they need them trained and not just winging it.

I don’t know that I was ever sold on that set-up, and it’s not available to us, anyhow. Possibly we could build something with the New Warriors, and a disaster like the Stamford one that precipitated Civil War in the books. But there’s lower-hanging fruit, since I set up in last year’s Pitchmas (and Marvel have been following a similar plan in everything they’ve been releasing) setting up Young Avengers.

The existence of untrained knock-off characters would likely prompt the Old Avengers to want to make sure a whole new generation of untrained heroes weren’t suddenly joining the fight, and start off a training program.

In lieu of getting into the weeds on the set up I’d want to see, I’d probably set up a core of characters that would be with us for a five season arc. The first three would cover their training and origins; we’d probably Lost it up a bit, with entire episodes basically being where characters came from, so we could show some of Bloodstone from Cullen’s perspective, do some of Runaways as told by Nico Minoru, an episode telling about X-23’s origins (presumably her having become something of a character in her own right on New Mutants by then- maybe even with Dafne Keen reprising, if the timelines worked out all right) that kind of thing- and yes, the clever amongst you see how it’s basically a series of backdoor pilots intermingled with the hero academy storyline.

I think in the books the Academy was largely the brain-child of Hank Pym, but I imagine that might be a tall order, getting Michael Douglas to commit to. Paul Rudd would probably be a fun alternative, and you could get him interacting with his daughter, Stature, again, and try to rebuild that rapport with the now adult(ish) version of his daughter. Better if you could get both (and/or with a Wasp or 2), since I think the Ant Man family already have a pretty solid family feel and training capabilities.

The first three seasons would be a beginning, middle and end for the Academy, season 4 maybe technically being a spin-off as the characters are captured by a powered-up Arcade and forced to fight for survival, and season 5 being a revenge arc, as those who survived 4 delve into the world of anti-heroics in a bid to hunt Arcade for what he done did, while also being secretly groomed by Zemo to do his bidding.

Season outlines

1. This functions similarly to the way New X-Men series does for mutants, but pulls from all groups, including borrowing some characters from that show (if Wolverine can be an Avenger and an X-Man, I don’t see why we can’t put his clone in both shows)- especially for characters who will go on to be part of the government-run X-Factor. It’s a training program for everyone else, and borrows adult characters when/wherever possible. It might be hard to have too many of the important characters pop up, beyond maybe the Ant Man crew, but we can bring in really anyone; need a magical character, draft Agatha Harkness. Or Damian Hellstrom (actually- I’d suggest Hellstrom, since his character features into the story in 5). 

2. It becomes clear that the Academy is more of a daycare than a training facility; the kids aren’t allowed to hero outside of their bases, and are forbidden from joining other teams during that time. It’s only when they reach 18 that they’re allowed to join the big boy leagues. But that doesn’t stop an old Avengers Threat (I’m going to say Zemo, since he’d see this as an Ubermensch program and want to dismantle it) manipulates a team of villains into attacking as a way to gut the hero community and get their collective revenge, but to everyone’s surprise, the kids are able, Red Dawn style, to beat back the villains long enough for the grown-ups to arrive (or maybe just some clever smoke and mirrors by the kids).  

3. Realizing that they can’t child-proof the world, Hank hires on a nerd nicknamed Arcade; basically, he wants something like the X-Men’s Danger Room, but encompassing an entire city and suburb, a place to simulate combat as these kids will meet it in the outside world. Arcade feels mistreated, and eventually takes all of the teachers hostage, forcing them to watch as their students run a life and death version of the obstacle courses he was supposed to build. They’re eventually able to help free the heroes, who stop Arcade. Losing control of the school and training that way gets the school shuttered for good, with the government pulling its support and the kids all getting sent home.  

4. A powered up Arcade, snotty about his humiliation the year before, starts kidnapping the children who were returned home, and pits them against one another, Battle Royale style, on a remote island. It’s all an elaborate revenge for foiling his plans in the previous season. The meddling kids, however, manage to disrupt his plans yet again- though not all of them survive the experience.

5. Angry that Arcade escaped, the survivors go underground, and start running with a bad crowd, because they’re the only ones who know where Arcade is hiding. The remaining instructors basically fall into two camps- one trying to find the kids and save them from themselves, and the other hunting Arcade to bring him to justice themselves. But that’s all background noise. The main attraction is the kids being set up by Zemo to do something so publically villainous it will taint the kids, their teachers, and all of the superhumans- with Arcade’s fate hanging in the balance. But will the kids realize in time that they’ll be destroying their world if they win? Or will Zemo finally manage to deal the Marvel heroes a death blow?

What? You think I’d spoil the answer here? Think again, True Believers.

Pitchmas this year is a weekly pitch for a new Disney + series set in the MCU, lasting 12 weeks.

10. X-Men: The Beginning

This is basically X-Men Evolution, but in live action, featuring the first five students (maybe eventually introducing younger versions of those who were teachers at the beginning of New Mutants, too, and the rest of the Giant Size X-Men crew). Could probably even use the same sets as New Mutants on a rotating schedule, too, to get double the value out of them.

I think to make this not perfunctory, we’ll need to really make it sizzle. The pitch is basically the first class of X-Men by way of Stranger Things.

I think the first half of the season would be assembling the team, which in our case means them being found by Xavier. I want to tell the stories from the perspective of the teens, and only briefly touch on Charles- at least for the first half. The second half of the season is entirely Xavier-based, his friendship (and its fallout) with Magneto, and his strained relationship with his brother, Cain Marko.

1. Phoenix: Jean is a special girl. Everyone knows it, and they all tell her so. Every one does. We spend a day with her, at first, and slowly, subtly, the creepiness sets in- they all have the same wooden expression, say the words exactly the same way. Everyone except her parcel carrier (not USPS- a private label). He speaks candidly with her, a little too candidly for someone of her age, and we think his eyes start to glow, and his teeth look too sharp. The young Jean screams out, and every neighbor on the block comes outside in lock step, and he doffs his cap and leaves. A SHIELD touchstone (Fury is always the preference, but Samuel L. Jackson can only be in so many places at once, so it could be a Coulson, Hill or someone else) delivers Professor Xavier to the town. Xavier knocks on the Grey residence’s front door, and is greeted by her father. He says that she’s studying, because she’s an extraordinary girl and can’t squander those gifts. Xavier smiles, and says those are his sentiments exactly. Mr. Grey’s eyes glow, and he shakes off the manipulation. Xavier explains that he’s come at the request of SHIELD because their daughter has formed a psychic cocoon around herself; everyone in its radius gets drafted into her army. Her father laughs off the idea, because the things that feel frightening to girls her age include boys and algebra tests. But Xavier doesn’t hear it, because his attention is drawn by the parcel carrier. Xavier sees him clearly, surrounded by a purple psychic flame as his eyes glow red; his teeth appear too sharp. Xavier tells him his daughter’s instincts are sharper than he realizes, and asks to see the girl. The parcel carrier tries to ring the doorbell, but it doesn’t sound. Xavier turns to look at him through one of the windows in the front door, and he glares as Xavier regards him coolly. Mr. Grey brings Jean down. Xavier explains mutants, and their gifts, and tells her she’s one of the strongest people he’s ever met- that the danger she sensed was drawn to her because of that power- he is a monstrous being known as the Shadow King. Xavier encountered him before- but managed to pierce the veil of his thoughts, and discovered that the Shadow King wished to use him as a host to regain access to the physical realm. Jean accuses Xavier of trying to manipulate her, the way the Shadow King had tried to manipulate her, the way her parents had. She demands that he leave, and he does. The Shadow King, in the form of the delivery man, blasts through her front door. Suddenly, Jean is in her home in the psychic realm. The Shadow King stalks through, and as she tries to defend herself with very limited control, he’s clearly able to shape this realm with a whim. It’s terrifying, looking like he’s won, towering over a terrified Jean, before he drops to his knees. Xavier is behind him, with his fingers outstretched, and yellow tendrils burrowing into the Shadow King’s head. We flash back. The moment Shadow King blasted through the door, Xavier was there, behind him, tendrils piercing his skull. Jean stops cowering and stands, triumphant. Xavier tells him he’s going to be furious, but it was the little girl’s plan- the second he walked through the door; he told her what mutants were as they traded details of her plan. She let him think he was in control, that he was winning, as she systematically took away every element of his power. They’re both fairly certain he’ll be trapped on the psychic plane forever; psychics may stumble upon him from time to time, but he’s lost most of the gimmicks that allowed him to trick his unwitting victims. They leave him, chained, on that plane, and return to Jean’s room. She admits to Xavier that she didn’t mean to manipulate people around her, but she couldn’t control it. She asks if he could teach her how, and he smiles, and says of course.

2. Cyclops: Scott Summers as a child is on a plane flying over Alaska. The plane shimmies, and his father, the pilot, tasks him with checking to make sure his younger brother Alex is fastened tight, then check the cargo. Out of one of the windows, he sees the engine start to smoke, burst into flame, and is completely torn from the plane, taking some of the wing and the door nearest it, sucking out the parachutes. Scott runs back to the cockpit to tell his father. He looks at his boys and smiles. “Lucky I always bring a spare,” he says, and pulls one out from behind his seat. “You two’re small, so it should work for the both of you.” Scott asks about him, and he tells him he should still be able to land it, but he’s not putting all of their mom’s eggs in one basket- “especially since this world is out of perfect eggs.” He helps Scott get Alex clamped into the chute, then tells him to hold on, tight. His father helps him out of the plane. One of the chute straps breaks, and they start to fall, too fast. Scott wraps himself around Alex, to shield him from the landing, and we cut as they hit the mountain. We pull back, to see their father’s plane overhead, a moment before it smashes into the mountain.

We cut later, as Scott, blood dried along the side of his face from a nasty impact with the ground, drags his brother, whose leg is splinted, in the remains of the parachute, towards the nearby town. At the edge of town, Scott collapses beside a chain link fence surrounding a dour-looking building (it was an attempt by a priest to capture the majesty of a cathedral, but scaled to this remote community- the effect is more sinister than anything). We see a sign on the fence, too, “Essex Home For Special Boys.” A man with sharply-defined facial hair is standing with a gloved hand threaded through the fence, just on the other side of the two boys. We pan up his arm, and stop when we reach his jaw, as a thin smile spreads over his lips.

Scott plays with Alex, who can’t really join in the other reindeer games because of his leg (now in a cast). That is, until another boy, a burly one, with big hands and feet and a toothy grin, tells him they need another to even out teams for a game of touch football. Scott’s reluctant at first, but Alex snaps at him, like he wants his pity attention. Scott’s hurt by that, and goes off with Hank. We linger on Alex, reversing the shot as Scott starts to play (he quarterbacks, because he’s got a good eye, a good arm, and talent for leadership; Hank, meanwhile, is a natural catcher with those hands, and is agile to boot), and we watch a knowing smile spread across Alex’s lips.

Scott tries to loop Alex back in, but Hank and his friends are slightly older, and especially having been wounded, Alex is extra socially handicapped. At lights out, Hank nervously confesses to Scott that he’s anxious about an upcoming dance- that there’s a dance with the “Frost Academy for Talented Ladies.” He’s worried no one will want to dance with him. Scott thinks a moment, before telling him that women like to be held- his mom told him that- and with his hands he figures Hank would make any woman feel extra safe and secure. The moment is sweet enough Hank gets quieter, more conspiratorial. He tells Scott he’s not sure it’s safe there, that he isn’t an orphan- that his parents are still alive and he was taken– that they need to get out of there, and Scott’s eyes go wide- so wide we know what’s coming next as ruby red energy bursts from his eyes, shattering through a window. Hank hits him from behind, as Essex appears behind him. Hank explains that he didn’t know what else to do- that Scott might have hurt someone. Essex pats his shoulder gently, telling him he did the right thing.

3. Beast: The episode opens largely as the last ended, only Hank and Scott are asleep on their cots. Mr. Essex, the smiling man who put a gloved hand through the fence in the last episode, preps a syringe. He slides it into Scott’s arm with inhuman precision, then twirls in his heavy dark blue coat (that’s almost a big cape). Essex opens a secret panel into a small lab behind his study. He feeds Scott’s blood into a machine, and lights come up on the room, showing a host of gene-sequencing machines.

We go back to Hank, sleeping fitfully. We hear a voice, Essex’s, but I want it to be supremely subtle, almost subliminal, where some portion of the audience won’t catch it during the first viewing. His eyes open manically, and he yawns, before stumbling out of bed. He uses the same secret entrance to Essex’s lab, and clearly knows his way to Essex once inside. Essex calls him, “Young Mr. McCoy” and claims he was quite the discovery. Hank pouts, and Essex chides him; he says his gift would have been wasted living with his parents- that Hank is free to hate him, if need be, but his education is paramount.

Indeed, once Essex begins speaking to him about Scott’s DNA, he comes alive. While the testing is ongoing, it seems that Scott is one of the catalysts he’s been searching for, that his ability allows him to harness great amounts of energy- possibly enough to finally finish his work. They work together through the night, testing the sampled blood, until Hank falls asleep, and Essex gingerly carries him back to bed.

The next morning Scott wakes slowly. He’s attached to an IV, keeping him partially sedated. Hank tells him that most so-called mutant powers are controlled via the brain- which would explain the catastrophic damage caused by his head injury, preventing him from being able to control it. He segues awkwardly via a joke about controlling himself that evening, when they go to the Frost Academy for the dance, and notes it’s good they aren’t having it there, because of the hole Scott blasted in the wall.

We have a scene where they boys dress. Despite the short notice, Essex was able to have the seamstress in town customize clothes for both Summers boys. Alex doesn’t want to go, especially since he can’t dance on his leg, but Scott convinces him to try and have fun.

At the dance, Essex greets Ms. Frost as Hazel, and tells her it’s lovely to see her, and kisses her hand. She’s a wealthy socialite, her family money coming at least partially from Alaskan oil, hence her interest in giving back to that community. With her is her daughter, Emma; she wears white with furs, not as revealing as the outfits adult her will wear, obviously, but just as sharply stylish. Hank asks if she wants to dance, and she stares at his big hands and says she wears the fur of beasts, she doesn’t dance with them.” He says something cutting in reply, and they both stomp off. Scott follows Hank, and consoles him, and tells him he’s a sweet guy, and he’s going to find someone who loves him for who he is, not the size of glove he wears. Scott convinces him to try again, with another girl, this one staring at him. Scott watches as she smiles, nods, and follows him to the dance floor.

Scott starts looking for Alex when he hears sobbing, and follows it back to Emma. She insists she wasn’t crying. He smiles, and says that doesn’t mean she isn’t upset, and if talking would help, he’s there. She’s stand-offish, and rude, but it also becomes clear that she’s lonely, and scared, and doesn’t really know how to handle people at all. He explains that she sounds like Hank; he was worried no one would dance if he asked them, but that he found someone who said yes, that sometimes to really get to know the best side of people, you have to give them a second chance. He asks if she’d like to dance, and she says yes. We follow them to the dance floor, but as we pan past Essex chatting with her mother, we stay on them.

Essex is boring her, it’s plain. He’s chatting her up because he’d like more funding, and mentions that his work is focused on helping people just like her daughter, that he isn’t looking for a hand-out. She isn’t paying attention to him, because a late guest has arrived. She tells Nathan she has to introduce him to a dear friend of hers, a fellow philanthropist, Charles Xavier. Essex goes white, as we pan to see Xavier. He’s also brought along Jean Grey, as well, both dressed appropriately for the occasion. Xavier peers at him curiously; he can’t seem to read Essex’s mind, which is peculiar. 

Back with Scott and Emma, she tells him she knows he’s scared. He tells her he’s not; his mom taught him how to dance before she died (though he trails off before saying the word “died”). She says not about that. About last night, what happened with his eyes. He stops, and she tells him it’s okay, she’s special, too. That his secret’s safe with her, just like she feels safe with him, she says, nuzzling into his shoulder. As the music fades, Emma leans in and kisses him, and Scott’s eyes go wide. “Oh, no,” she says, realizing her mistake. Scott’s eyebeams blast through the wall and the ceiling.

Ms. Frost screams for her daughter, and runs to protect her; Emma protests that she’s fine, she’s safe, Scott would never hurt her. Essex moves towards Scott, but Charles grabs his wrist, and tells him he doesn’t know who he is, or what his designs on the boy are, but it ends tonight. He calls him a “Sinister” man, and tells him to leave all of the children behind, that he and Emma have contacts that will get them situated in proper homes- we see an overlay of Hank, as he says he was taken, and rage spreads over Xavier’s face. Essex shoves Xavier, knocking him into the wall hard enough he dents it, as his eyes begin to glow red, and we think this is going to go downhill quickly, only Essex’s eyes roll back in his head and he falls over.

Jean tells Xavier she turned him off, like a light switch, and asked if she did good, and he says she did very good. We stay on Essex, who watches a single hair fall from Jean’s shoulder. He can barely move, but with great effort manages to grab the hair as it falls.

Later, we pan through the now empty orphanage, into the no longer shut lab. Essex is extracting DNA from the hair, and that same sinister smile spreads over his lips.

I’m going to be a little less thorough with the remaining episodes, but to give you a taste of what we’re looking at.

4. Angel: Angel flies. Depending on budget, this can be POV, and just be some drone footage, or it could be fairly elaborate. But then Warren wakes to his father knocking on his door. He’s low-key abusive about hiding his son’s shame, binding his wings and tying them down in a way that’s painful. When Warren cries, he shames him for that, too.

Warren goes to his school, something private and high-end. His father shoves him along, past students picking on a girl there on a scholarship, her uniforms second-hand, her supplies in some disrepair. Warren tries to direct his father’s wrath in their direction, only for him to state that she’s “beneath” them, and Warren stares daggers back at him for that.

We recognize one of the boys picking on the girl when he slides into a seat next to Warren; he acts friendly towards him, but Warren doesn’t return the warmth. Cameron asks what’s up, says their families have been friends for generations- that the Worthingtons and Hodges have been thick as thieves since before either family bought their way into respectability. Warren complains about his treatment of the girl, and he says they were only having fun- that they wouldn’t hurt her. Warren isn’t interested. Cameron says this is a lousy way to end a friendship, and Warren spits back that they were never friends, that he was a jerk his father made him be nice to- but he’s tired of being a cog in a machine of jerks that only mints fresh jerks and money. Warren leaves, tells the teacher he needs to use the bathroom.

We linger a bit on Cameron’s day, as he stews.

At lunch outside, Cameron and his buddies make fun of Warren. They intimate that he’s got a thing for the girl, that that’s why he’s being such a girl about it. And he shrugs. He doesn’t care if they think that, because what would be so wrong about it. Not getting what they want, they leave, and Warren watches a bird fly by, and we intercut with his dream from earlier, until a dropped lunch try stirs him from his daydreaming.

It’s Cameron and his buddies, surrounding the girl again. Only Cameron shoved her. His friends are half-shocked, half drooling for more. Cameron’s clearly agitated, realizing he’s probably gone too far, and at the same time feeding off the energy his friends are putting off. He reels back to hit her, and his hand comes down on Warren’s back. That’s enough invitation for all of his friends to start attacking. For a moment Warren hunkers over her to protect her from their fists and feet, until…

Warren tears through his harness, and his school blazer in one motion, then spins, knocking Cameron and his flunkies back with his spread wings. Warren pulls the girl to him, and kicks off the ground, taking flight. We linger a moment on Cameron, as someone approaches, and offers him a hand up. He calls Warren a filthy “mutie,” and says they’re no “friends of humanity.” Then introduces himself as Graydon Creed.

We join Warren and the girl in the clouds, as her scream turns to excitement. He flies them down to a picturesque spot on top of a hill. She tells him he didn’t have to do that. He says he couldn’t stand idly by. They have a cute, flirty sort of thing, and she is very gentle and understanding about his, er, coming out. She asks if she can kiss him; she wants to, but she doesn’t want to make something really powerful and brave about her. He kisses her, and tells her it was about her, that he would have been too scared to do it if it wasn’t for her. She kisses him back, and we linger on that happy moment, because we’re going to need that to power through what comes next.

Warren’s dad berates him on the way to school, treats it like something Warren did to shame him, and the family name, and legacy. He protests, that they were going to hurt her, to which he says, “So?” They pull up at the school. Angry parents have formed a human chain outside, and are wearing, “FoH” arm bands, standing beneath a banner that says something to the effect of “Mutants Stay Out.” The Elder Worthington slides lower in his seat, when there’s a knock on the car window.

It’s Charles Xavier. He offers his help. Worthington asks if he’s a lawyer, and Charles smiles that no, he is not. Xavier walks inside, past the crowd, who murmur. One, who recognizes him, steps to him, and he smiles, and the person steps back, cowed.

Warren watches a bird fly by, and his dad snaps at him, telling him he’s never flying again. Xavier emerges, walking lightly. Behind him comes the principal, who tears down the banner. Xavier says he was glad he could change his mind, before turning to walk away. The protestors howl at the principal as he balls up their banner, and points to their cars. If we can hear him, he’s telling them they have to disperse, and if they don’t, he’ll be forced to call the police.

Worthington asks if his son can go inside. Xavier says that he can- but that he shouldn’t- that this school isn’t good enough for him. He deserves a school where he can be who he wants to be, and where he doesn’t have to threaten legal action or use of the ADA to keep the wolves at bay. He hands Worthington a card, saying he happens to run just such a school, a school designed for special people just like his son. Worthington is skeptical, downright hostile, until he says that it’s remote, far away from prying eyes and ears, from society gossip or any of the other arenas where they might look down on his son’s gifts. Worthington stops himself, and in an uncharacteristic moment of humanity, says that it should be up to his son to decide.

Charles opens Warren’s door, and says that nature has given Warren wings, that it would be his honor to give him a chance to fly.

5. Iceman: Bobby Drake is a pain in the butt. He can’t stop complaining about his mom’s traditions, about her weird smelling fish, or the fact that their “Christmas” presents are wooden and from another century; specifically, they’re getting ready for Purim. She’s hurt by the assertion, but hides it, and tells him it’s important for him to know their heritage. People died for that heritage. Carrying it was honoring their sacrifice, and their strength, and the determination that carried them through centuries of oppression and discrimination. For a moment, it seems like she’s getting through to him, before he says, “Yeah, but my bringing stink-fish on wrye for lunch is ensuring further centuries of oppression.” She glares comically at him. He clarifies that he’s not saying they have to 86 all the Jewish stuff, but dad’s Christian, so can’t this be the half of their heritage they don’t talk about, like how he’s not supposed to talk about anything covered by his jeans when they have company. She glares again, before breaking into a smile, making it clear that she loves him, despite his being a pain in the butt.

There’s a knock on the door, and we see a man we assume is her husband. She greets him as Erik, and he asks if he’s late for the kiddush, and she says they waited for him. They all sit at the table, and she lights two candles, and says a blessing. Then they have a meal, during which Erik asks about her husband, who works swings and isn’t ever there that time. She asks after his work; he does aid work for Jewish charities and the like, and is planning another trip to Israel soon. She tells him she’s struggling to get Bobby interested in his heritage. I think he tells a story from Jewish history, showcasing one of their many struggles just to survive (I’m not sure which would be more on point).

Erik mentions that his parents were both children during the Holocaust, each was the sole survivor from their families- entire lines wiped out but for those single branches. I’m kind of assuming that for this generation of Magneto, he won’t be a Holocaust survivor himself, but have been conceived by two people who lived through it, who were scarred by it, who were orphans of it, that it colored every aspect of his growing up, that everywhere his family ever lived they had contingency plans for escape, not just from the house, but from the city, from the country, from the continent, that it wasn’t until they finally settled in Israel that they found a home they weren’t looking to escape from.

Bobby attends a Purim carnival with his mom. He eats some hamantaschen, and goofs off to impress a girl. He also draws the ire of a bully, who follows them to the Ferris wheel. He shoves Bobby into the cart, elbowing the girl out of the way; the not-paying-attention operator starts the wheel with the two of them on it. The bully is fuming; he doesn’t like the way Bobby was looking at the girl. He says she’s okay, but there’s someone else, someone who he sees when he closes his eyes, when he thinks about sharing his first kiss. The scene is, essentially, Bobby coming out as bi, the dialog reading ambiguously, and thinking the bully shares his feelings (because he’s a dumb, inexperienced kid). He takes the bully’s hand, squeezes, and kisses him. And… it goes okay. The bully was jealous of the girl and not him. Except…  when he took his hand, Bobby accidentally froze it- froze their hands together in a block of ice. That freaks him out. He tries to get away, even trying to climb out of the Ferris Wheel enclosure as Bobby fights him. As the car reaches the ground the Bully punches him in the eye and stumbles backward, shattering the ice, and running. The commotion catches the attention of others at the carnival that a crowd has gathered, who look like an angry mob.

Next shot is Bobby getting locked in a cell. He uses the block of ice still around his hand to ice his black eye, and tells the Sheriff it helps. The Sheriff explains that he had to take him into protective custody; he’d seen that look before, and didn’t want to have to try and ward off a lynch mob at gun point. He says he can release him once the mob disperses and his parents can come for him.

Bobby notices another young kid in the cell beside his, and asks what he’s in for. He says it’s arson- though he didn’t do it, before using flame from a lighter to create a small dragon that melts the ice around his hand. Bobby thanks him, just as the wall behind them collapses, and in walks Magneto. From inside, a door opens, and a bald man in a nice suit strolls in. “Erik, I see you’re still tearing down walls.”

“I prefer to think of it as removing barriers to our people, Charles,” Magneto replies.  

Xavier tells Bobby that he’s secured his release and return to his mother, and can escort him safely out of the building. Magneto tries to coax him to go with him- that he needn’t fear those weaker. Xavier appeals to the bonds of family- to his mother, who is scared, and wants nothing more than to hold her precious child in her arms and tell him everything will be okay. The Sheriff returns, and his eyes go wide. Xavier tells him not to notice Magento until they’re gone, and he unlocks Bobby’s cell. Bobby glances back at Magneto, before leaving with Charles.

We cut to later, Bobby at home. She’s reading the Purim story, and mentions Hamen, and he uses his noisemaker, but peters out. He says he has to tell her something, that he’s different. She corrects him- that he’s special, and she’s known he was special from the moment she first held him in the hospital. He tells her he kissed his first boy today. And accidentally froze their hands together. She asks how it was. “Cold,” he says, then, “not bad, though. Moister than expected. But pretty good, until I got hit in the face.” She smiles, and tells him it took her a while to get the hang of kissing, too, but it was all worth it, because that’s how she got him. He groans. “Mom, you’re going to warp me.” She tells him she’s pretty sure that ship has sailed.

6-10: Now we focus on the X behind the Men. 6 starts with a young, even arrogant Charles Xavier. I think the framing story is the 5 original X-men talking, coming to realize that while they’re grateful for his help, they don’t really understand why he does what he’s done. He finds them, and Jean asks. Now it’s flashback time.

He’s kind of an obnoxious, arrogant prep school jerk. His mother calls him away from his prep school to return home because his father is dying of cancer, presumably related to his work in nuclear physics. Charles decides to stay home with his grieving mother after his father’s death, and witnesses her seduction at the hands of Kurt Marko, a family friend who provides a shoulder for her to cry on. Kurt’s son from a prior marriage, Cain, is in tow; he’s resentful of Charles and bullies him relentlessly. Eventually Charles’ mother and Marko marry. Large portions of the Xavier fortune are put into a trust for Charles, including the mansion where the new family live. Xavier’s telepathy develops, and he discovers, too late, that Kurt is only interested in his family’s money, and doesn’t care for either he or his mother. He tries to convince his mother to leave the emotionally neglectful Kurt, but she refuses, so he seeks refuge by returning to school.

At school, Xavier met and fell in love with Moira. The two had a whirlwind romance, until Xavier received a call from his step-brother. Cain was struggling with a deal going south in Cairo, and needed Charles to bail him out, literally, from prison. Charles, however, isn’t about to unleash Marko on the populace, and follows him. That’s where he bumps into a young thief named Ororo Munroe, being forced to work by a man she knows only by the name Shadow King.

But Xavier’s first concern is limiting the damage his step-brother can do, so he follows Marco. Cain was using their family’s resources and connections to fund an archeological dig. However, the Egyptian government got wind of the unsanctioned archeology, and seized his prize, including a crimson gem, that had ensorcelled Cain on sight. Because of his control over the family fortune, Charles is able to cut off most of his resources; Cain uses the last of his cash on hand to purchase a group of mercenaries to help him fight past the Egyptian authorities. Charles is too late to stop them from penetrating the chamber, and when he attempts to stop Cain’s mercenaries telepathically he finds they’re dead, save one, who is merely dying, all murdered by the vicious Juggernaut his brother has become. Charles tries to stop him mentally, but is unable to so much as speak telepathically to his brother.

Ashamed of his failure, Xavier falls into a depression. He starts drinking, though isn’t too deep in the bag when he senses the presence once again of Ororo Munroe. He feels her fear even more acutely than the last time, and goes to her. This time he listens as she tells him the full story of the Shadow King, how he can control people with his mind, how he uses innocent people as his hostages, threatening to harm them if she doesn’t steal for him. In that way he’s become the premier underworld figure in all of Cairo, and is well on his way to controlling all of the levers of government.

Xavier promises Munroe he will free her. He doesn’t get far, before he’s accosted by local police, but sensing a presence behind them, he severs it, and they crumple to the ground like puppets with their strings cut. Ororo leads him to the Shadow King, still a human at this point. His guards attack, only for them to freeze. Ororo turns, her eyes flashing white and subtly crackling with electricity, before she freezes. Xavier leaps over Shadow King’s desk, and they start to fight, before Shadow King tears him onto the psychic plane.

They battle for a time, before Xavier reveals that he’s sealed Shadow King off from his own body. They both race for a door out, each hoping to take control of Xavier, instead. When they reach the door at the same moment, we cut back to Xavier, probably a close-up on his eye, zooming out, before he starts to move. Everyone in the room resumes moving. Charles directs Ororo away from the desk; on instinct she wanted to make sure the Shadow King was really gone, like checking for a monster under the bed, but he doesn’t want her to see the catatonic body of the Shadow King. We zoom in on his pupil, and inside, in the psychic realm, we see Shadow King banging on an invisible wall, unable to escape.

Through his contacts, Xavier is able to find someone to help rehome Ororo- to take her back to her original home, really. And this is where he meets Erik for the first time. Typically, he works with Jewish charities, and, more secretively, for underground mutant-supporting ones, but he happens to be in the area, and is happy to help the child find her home. He says something to the effect that aren’t we all just searching for a place, to be happy and safe?

Their meeting, and his time in Cairo changes Xavier. He tries to go back to school, but Moira has moved on, and he realizes that academia isn’t for him, that his calling lies in helping. So it’s no surprise that the next episode finds him working in Palestine. We see him doing the hard aid work within the Gaza Strip, sweating through his suit out doors, helping to soothe angry refugees. There is a conflict at the border; it seems an NGO has accidentally promised the same supplies to both groups on the Israeli side as well as those on the Palestinian one. Feeling that the Palestinian need was more urgent, they tried to direct the supplies to Gaza, but were stopped at the border. Word of what was happening got back to some Palestinians, and a protest ensued, that threatened to spill over into violence with the addition of Israeli security forces. Peace is finally brokered at the arrival of Xavier on one side, and Erik on the other, each subtly influencing their sides towards piece, Xavier by calming the crowd somewhat, Erik by causing tanks and trucks to break down before they can reinforce the troops there. The two of them are able to build a compromise, though it’s to stop bloodshed, not for ideological reasons.

That comes later, when the two men share a drink on the Israeli side of the border. They talk well into the night, Charles learning of Erik’s parents surviving the Holocaust, and then dying in a terrorist attack in Israel in front of him. Charles argues that in this scenario, the Palestinians are the ones in camps- that to protect itself Israel is perpetrating something like the worst sin committed against them on another people. Erik is horrified, even angry, but he also recognizes there’s some truth there, too… that maybe the way to protect his people isn’t with a closed fist.

Author’s Editorial Note: After concerns were raised about this passage, I am adding this clarification of the purpose of this passage: Xavier, without using the word mutant, is able to convince Erik that Jews were the mutants of World War II, just as Palestinians are the mutants of that moment in the Middle East- that they deserve to be sheltered from the storm just as he wished his family was, just as he’s dedicated his life to doing for mutantkind. Xavier’s true power, to me, has always been his deep well of empathy; he doesn’t need to manipulate anyone, because he’s seen so deeply into the human soul- including his own- that the pain of others is his pain, and briefly, he’s able to share that gift with Erik in words.

Erik is still proudly Jewish, and I don’t believe he would be able to be completely won over- but that wasn’t ever Xavier’s hope- he views any dichotomy as a false one, any splitting of people into the deserving and the damned to be ceding the solution to the worst of human instincts. So for a time, he convinces Erik that there can be that fragile peace; Erik doesn’t stop believing Israel has a right to exist and protect itself, but he’s more easily able to see the humanity of those who get caught in that crossfire, too, regardless of which side of a border they’re on. -Nic

They work together for a time, building aid agencies that aren’t for either Israel or Palestine, but that coordinate aid between them, and build greater ties between both groups. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship… until it ended.

Gabrielle Haller was a fellow aid worker. She mostly worked on the Arabian Peninsula, but was moving medical supplies through Egypt because of an outbreak. While making their way through some largely overgrown roads, their caravan was caught in an earthquake. Their vehicles were swallowed up, as the quake broke open an underground chamber that had been covered for centuries with sand. The rest of the caravan were lost, supplies, vehicles, everything. Gabrielle was able to crawl from the hole, but had been rendered speechless by her ordeal, and sunk into a catatonic state once she reached help.

She was brought back to the camp used by Xavier and Erik. Not only did it have some fairly advanced equipment, but it was where her friends and coworkers were. There didn’t seem to be anything medically wrong with her, but she remained catatonic. Using telepathy, Xavier was able to help her push past her trauma, and regain consciousness. She was still traumatized, and still feared the evil stench of the thing in the hole, but with time she was able to go back to work helping people, which seemed to be the best medicine for her. It was only at night, when her mind was unguarded, that she succumbed to the fears, and would often wake up screaming. Because of their proximity, because of how much he’d helped her, because they were both going through something of an existential crisis, Xavier and Gabrielle cleaved to one another. Sleeping in his arms the terrors finally began to fade. For her. Unconsciously, Xavier finally felt the full brunt of her terror, and just as unconsciously, reached out telepathically to the place where her horror lied… and discovered that it was real.

Charles woke in a sweat, and got up, to find Erik pacing. He had a problem he didn’t think he could bring to Xavier. Xavier, exasperated, tells Erik they both know they’re both mutants, and that Erik’s untenable problem involves them- and that he’s happy to help. But perhaps more importantly, there is a graver threat to humanity, one hidden beneath the sands for millennia, an evil so unspeakable history scoured its existence from all record, a doom sleeping in an ancient tomb, waiting for the ripest moment to spark an Armageddon that would make the Holocaust look quaint by comparison- a living Apocalypse.

Magneto tells him to shut up. Xavier, thinking he sounds like a raving lunatic, persists, only for Erik to silence him more forcefully with a shout. Then he hears it, too: gunfire. They rush through the camp as people run in the other direction. But the sounds of gunfire are becoming further, and they find Xavier’s tent has been shredded, the bedding he shared with Gabrielle empty and torn. Xavier reaches out with his mind and tells Erik they have her, and he needs his help… and that Gabrielle is pregnant. And that the child will be like them. Magneto tells him “Mazel tov, Charles,” but protests that he didn’t need further motivation than rescuing Gabrielle.

Xavier tells him he needed Erik to understand what was at stake for him- and that she doesn’t know yet. Xavier is able to track them to the place we saw in Gabrielle’s flashback, the sinkhole where her caravan disappeared.

When they arrive, they find a decent size encampment of Hydra soldiers. Magneto is incensed at this, seeing them as little better than Nazis. Xavier tries to argue him down, reasoning that they can get to Gabrielle with no loss of life. Magneto’s having none of it, that Charles’ solution leaves them alive to keep spreading their poison. Xavier does what he can to stem the loss of life, but Magneto rampages. It all comes to a head when they find the officer holding Gabrielle, Baron Strucker. Magneto uses his powers to rip the rifles from the arms of Strucker’s guards, turns them on the Hydras, and fires. Xavier yells out in protest.

Strucker calls them “Ubermensch” and explains to them that the most fervent search Hydra undertook was looking for this buried messiah. “He was waiting for the rise of mankind’s superiors;” Strucker sees mutants and Hydra as natural allies, both representing the pinnacle of human achievement. Magneto is bemused at his arrogance, and sees Strucker as far beneath him, and tries to kill him. Only he can’t. Xavier has restrained him telepathically. It’s hard to put into words the depth of this betrayal to Erik; they’re friends, and Xavier has violated his mind- all to protect a man no better than a Nazi.

Xavier knows what he’s done, but he’s consumed by the evil thing pulsating beneath them. He shares its thoughts with Magneto, in an attempt to persuade him to stay and help. Only Magneto sees the creature differently; he feels that if Strucker’s right, then it was waiting for them- it is doom merely for the humans. “I now see which side you’ve always been on, Charles,” he sneers, before flying away.

Xavier telepathically flattens Strucker, then gets Gabrielle into a truck so she can drive herself back to safety; she says she knows the way, but she wants him to come with her. He says he can’t; he’s seen the thing in her nightmares, felt its rancid breath on his face. He can’t sleep, knowing it draws breathe still- he has to face down this demon. She’s heartbroken, because they both understand, on some level, this is him leaving her, him deciding to go down a dangerous path she cannot possibly follow, that even if by some miracle he survives the ordeal, their love is over.

Alone, now, Xavier descends into the sinkhole. The architecture is Egyptian-esque, think pyramids mixed with alien tech (Celestial, if memory serves). In the center of the chamber is a black cocoon that is nearly an obelisk. As Charles approaches it, it begins to send out pulses of force that nearly knock him over. But he continues forward, struggling against the tide, before eventually touching the obelisk. I think from this point forward we go to a battle on a psychic plane. Probably to preserve long-term casting possibilities, Apocalypse appears as a young Egyptian boy. He tells Xavier that only the strongest should survive, so he welcomes his challenge. Then the boy grows in size, until he’s replaced by a giant blue boot trying to stomp on Xavier. Charles tackles through the foot, ripping the boy out of the construct, grabbing hold of his head. Xavier’s eyes glow, then his hands, then the boy’s eyes, then everything is engulfed in light.

The psychic feedback sends out a bigger pulse, throwing Xavier into the wall, and causing a second cave-in. Most of the architecture collapses inwards as sand rushes in. We cut to the remains of the Hydra camp. The soldiers fled, taking everything they could quickly grab. Out of the sand Xavier thrusts a hand. He crawls out of the hole. And keeps crawling, his legs pulled limply behind him. He manages to pull himself by morning to a small village, and he’s airlifted back to Cairo for medical treatment.

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t anticipated seeding Apocalypse like this, and so hadn’t expected to injure Xavier… but I’m toying with 6^th Sensing it. So characters who can see through telepathic manipulation talk to him as he is- a man in a wheelchair (off the top of my head, Jean, Essex, Shadow King, Emma). And everyone else sees him walking- that he admits at the end here that it was a crutch, that he felt he needed to project strength- but he understands now, having gotten to know all of them, that true strength comes from being who you really are, not projecting what you think others need to see.

The finale of the season is Cain Marko, now the Juggernaut, attacking the school as Xavier wraps up his tale. His young X-Men have to deal with the Juggernaut, showcasing their new attempts to work cohesively as a team. Iceman freezes the ground, Cyclops knocks him over with an optic blast, Beast grabs him by the ankles and spins him to keep him disoriented while Jean Grey telekinetically unbuckles his helmet, which Angel flies off with, leaving Cain vulnerable to his brother’s psychic assault.

Bonus Pitch: I could absolutely see a spin-off out of this being Magneto: Hydra Hunter, covering the time from after he and Xavier part ways, until he graduates to Supervillainy, basically him going after Nazis/Hydra and doing a riff on Munich (the Spielberg movie) as he tries to wrangle with his own demons; because I don’t think he’s quite there, yet, as a villain. I think what would probably get him there is him trying to focus on just killing the worst of the worst, in the hopes that without the Nazis and Hydra, humanity could learn to get along with mutants, and then with the rise of the Friends of Humanity movement, with the return to the public square of Nazis- it all just becomes too much for him to bear- he starts to think it isn’t a few bad apples, that the whole damn orchard is the problem.  

Even still, I could see needing a third series for Magneto to really gel as a villain. I’d probably go for an Asteroid M storyline, him trying to have his own mutant Israel, only learning that if they displaced anybody they could never have peace so he builds an asteroid out of metallic space debris for his people to live on. And of course, when human governments can’t abide what is basically a weapons platform floating above their heads and attack what was meant as a peaceful gesture, that seals things for him. That is a Magneto you probably could get away with selling shirts saying, “Magneto Was Right.” Not that I think you should… even pop-culturally ironic endorsements of genocide are a bad idea, no matter how sympathetically you build out an origin story. But that is a damn fine villain, if I do say so myself. And I just did.

The episodes start off as a grudge match, with the initial title being “Squirrel Girl vs…” but after some initial fisticuffs, her positive nature takes over, and she helps the villians/heroes with their problems, instead. Like she helps Deadpool with his ennui, Thanos with his lousy philosophy… it means the episodes end with kind of a goofy Aesop but also include superheroics, action and drama. The key, and this is a balancing act, to be sure, is she doesn’t detract from the overall threat level of her adversaries, she just finds ways around them; she might not be able to overpower Dr. Doom, but she can help him with his self-loathing- or at least give him a friend.

Because it’s a comedy show and it’s good to show contrast, I’d have her first guest be Deadpool. This would also allow her to receive, in universe, a complete set of Deapool’s Guide to Supervillains cards, which I think are great.

I think Disney’s got the rights to the ’67 Spider-Man cartoon, so presumably we could use her improvised theme song to that tune by Ryan North, which she sings in the cold open to the first episode as she stops a gang of muggers in the park:

Squirrel Girl, Squirrel Girl! She’s a human and also a squirrel! Can she climb up a tree? Yes she can, easily. That’s whyyyy her name is Squirrel Girl! Is she tough? Listen bud: she’s got partially squirrel blood. Who’s her friend? Don’t you know: That’s the squirrel Tippy-Toe. Surprise! She likes to talk to squirrels! At the top of trees, is where she spends her time like a huuuuman squirrel she enjoys fighting crime!! Squirrel Girl, Squirrel Girl! Powers of both squirrel and girl! Finds some nuts, eats some nuts, kicks bad guuuuuys’ evil butts! To her, life is a great big acorn! Where there’s a city crime-torn, you’ll find the Squirrel Girl!!!

The first episode might need to be double-length, because we have to set up the premise, namely that Doreen Green, the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, is going to college. She foils a mugging on her way to meet her new dormmate, Nancy Whitehead. Nancy’s immediately suspicious, because Doreen has a pet squirrel that she seems to talk to. Tippy Toe is very animated, babbling about a threat, that her squirrel sense is tingling. Nancy asks what’s wrong, and Doreen tells her TT’s squirrel sense is tingling- though sometimes that means she just has to pee. Doreen opens her window to let the squirrel out.

It’s while she’s packing her things into their room that she sees Deadpool go running after someone. I’m assuming he’s being very loud and disruptive, and not being familiar with him, she goes after to see if she needs to help him (or save someone from him). They have a fight, before they start talking. Turns out, Deadpool is feeling ennui, no longer satisfied being the clown he’s been, and not yet comfortable existing in the leadership role he’s created for himself with X-Force. She helps him by explaining that her army of squirrels are strong enough to take on villains- as well as trigger-happy mercenaries- together, even if they’re vulnerable individually.

I’d probably like to use Kraven as Deadpool’s quarry, to stick to the book as closely as possible, but it’s possible we could need an alternative, since I don’t know if the deal with Sony covers the ability to use Spidey characters or no, in which case I’d slot in U.S. Agent or Bucky. Deadpool is convinced that, since either character returned from the ‘dead’ they’re zombies, and that he needs to “quarantine” them (with a bullet to the brainpan). From his ranting, it’s clear that Deadpool is aware of the Marvel Zombies show, though he says he might have dreamed that part.

Both concerned for his sanity, and also concerned that there might be some truth to his concerns, Doreen decides to help Deadpool, and together they track down his quarry. Because it’s Doreen’s show, in the final fight Deadpool gets shot in the head, and Squirrel Girl beats them, before helping them with their personal problem (respectively: siccing Kraven on Gigantos as a more worthy foe, helping John Walker with his imposter syndrome, helping Bucky with his sense of loss), finishing in time to prevent Deadpool from shooting them and convincing him they aren’t the hungry dead.

2. I’d probably do the next episode as a flashback, to the time when she met both Dr. Doom and Iron Man. Tony wasn’t too impressed with her, until his armor was disabled by Doom, and Doreen single-handedly (okay, with the help of her squirrels) managed to take out Doom, before helping him with at least some of his crippling emotional problems (though not so much that he’s emotionally ready for the reemergence of Reed Richards). I think, because I have a punchline for this in a couple of episodes, her squirrel attack manages to rob him of his pants, and he wraps his cowl around his waist like a towel.

3. I’d probably due a variation of the Ratatoskr story. Doreen hears chatter from her squirrel sidekick Tippy Toe that there’s an evil squirrel. They’re attacked by the squirrel, which reveals Doreen’s secret to Nancy, but they manage to escape, and seek Norse help. They can’t find either Thor (unless we can get them- in which case, sure, why not?) but she does manage to find Loki, which is mostly a flimsy/brilliant excuse to bring in Cat-Thor, which is just what it sounds like: Loki uses his illusions to make him look like Thor as a humanoid cat furry. He knows about her evil Norse squirrel, and helps fight it. As Cat Thor. Wielding his own tiny, adorable Meowlnir. After the good guys win, Loki proposes a sequel, and that he do that oen as Frog Thor- this time as a tiny frog in a Thor costume (more comics accurate). Nancy writes it off as too ludicrous- that they don’t live in a comic book. Loki looks to camera, and we do a Warner Bros. esque end to the episode with a knock-off version of their theme song.

4. Tippy wakes Doreen up by biting her eyelid and pulling it. She’s finally got an idea of what the tingling was all about, and informs Doreen that Galactus is coming- in fact, the Devourer of Worlds is almost on top of them. Doreen reasons that she has to stop him from reaching Earth, and that the best way to do that is borrow one of Iron Man’s armors (maybe to grease the skids on this idea, Pepper, as a memorial to Tony, has lent out an exhibition of his armors to the school). Doreen is caught by one of the suits acting as a Sentry, but once she’s ejected, an army of squirrels with stolen armor pieces arrive, and she assembles them into a makeshift Iron Squirrel costume. The armor is locked, but when Doreen says she isn’t sure what the password is, the suit recognizes her voiceprint, tells her welcome, and tells her her new password is, “IBeatthePantsOffDrDoom.” She starts towards the Moon, Tippy Toe flying with her in a helmet attached to a glove. Here’s where things get convoluted: Thanos didn’t stop using the Time Stone after the Snap. He used it to check the future, and found the one instance where the Avengers could win- and that it required Tony Stark. So he tries to go back in time and fight him. But Strange used magic to make it so that if he attempted it, he would end up at this point, instead, where he would encounter the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl- thinking it was Tony, and lose. That’s right, Thanos attacks her in the armor, and gets his butt kicked. Because I say we go for broke, he has the gauntlet and all its powers- only for Tippy to steal all the stones as he fails to hit the acrobatic Squirrel Girl. It might be funny to have a Dr. Strange cameo, so he can explain all the weirdness, and send Thanos back to where he came from, with the stones, but the idea of going back to stop Tony erased from his mind.

5. Galactus arrives, and Strange tells her this is, unfortunately, not a fight they can win, opens a portal and abandons her. For a moment she’s demoralized, before frowning and deciding he doesn’t know everything, and she’s not about to stop kicking butts and eating nuts now. She gives fighting Galactus the old college try, before realizing that him coming there is the equivalent to him ordering in, that he knows the Earth is filled with countless heroes that will drop everything to help him find an uninhabited planet to devour, instead. So she helps him find a new planet to devour.

Odd sequel series pitch: Squirrel Girl’s Dirty Half-Dozen: Maybe a special, maybe a direct to Disney+ movie, or you could probably make it work over six episodes. Doreen gets targeted by an assassin- but someone with cosmic power. Galactus, sensing the danger, contacts the others she interacted with in Season 1, and they all gather, because they’re strange folks, many of them with no other real friends- but for Doreen they’re willing to show up. They interact with one another, even as the assassin arrives, only for Squirrel Girl to first vanquish them, and then befriends them (I’d throw out Terrax as a possibility, maybe having stolen Beta Ray Bill’s hammer or otherwise powered-up in a way that would give Galactus pause). Doreen arrives with the assassin in tow, and the gathered villains improvise, pretending it’s just a party, instead (or maybe that was always the plan, and it’s her birthday?)

I think the pilot, “Falling For Thirty Minutes” focuses on Loki, both because his rise somewhat parallels Doom’s, but also because he’s already better established than most of these, and because I have a really fun idea where this takes place. We borrow a moment from Thor Ragnarok, Loki charging at Dr. Strange who portals him away. We find him falling through a black void, falling indefinitely. Only he realizes he isn’t alone at all- falling beside him (but also posed like he’s standing still with his arms crossed, his flapping cape the only indication he’s moving at all) is Dr. Doom. He tells him he has a proposition for him. Loki asks if it includes getting out of “here” and Doom says it does. He opens, without a sling ring, a portal beneath them, and Loki slams unceremoniously into a conference table inside a castle. Seated around it are people we’ll get to know over the course of the series: Namor, Justin Hammer (in Whiplash’s armor, modified to make him Whirlwind), Maximus the Mad, Baron Mordo, one of the Deviants (from Eternals), the Hood (I’d bring back Walton Goggins, and tweak the character’s backstory accordingly so his established character from Ant Man and the Wasp could fit into that character’s backstory) and Sebastian Shaw. Loki has a look around the room, then says, “No. You can take me back to my void, now.” We notice a character in shadow just beyond the candle light from the candelabra adorning the table who tenses, his eyes glowing purple- but this is very subtle. “I have no interest in joining your Injustice Legion of Doom.” Doom waves his hand, and the other guests, chairs, and tables disappear as made of smoke he wafted away, and Loki falls to the floor (the creature in the shadows doesn’t disappear, but remains so far back in shadows some viewers may not even notice him on first viewing).

Doom and Loki walk through the halls of Doom’s castle. Doom explains to Loki the world needs an Illuminati- an enlightened counterpart to the Avengers boorish brutes, sauntering in and trying to punch threats to death. “Doom is not a villain.”

“Then Doom may wish to consider a change of name, or at least to first-person.”

“Doom is a ruler, from a proud heritage. Doom is answerable to his people, who deserve better protectors than these,” he conjures an image of the Avengers. Loki’s tempted by the opportunity to do good while showing up his brother. But that also raises his skepticism. He says he won’t be used as a weapon against his brother. Doom laughs, and tells him he wants him for his knowledge of Asgardian magic and tech. From the way Doom speaks, he regards Loki almost as a protégé, a would-be ruler, whose mother taught him magics; their paths diverged when Doom succeeded to the throne, and Loki lost his. Loki realizes he’ll have to go back to the void, and Doom opens a portal for him, and he jumps down into it.

We stay on Doom, whose mind is consumed by his reverie, zooming into the bloodshot eye within his armor. We see Victor as a child. His mother is teaching him magic, telling him that with their strength, they can free their band of Roma from the Baron’s tyranny. But something happens; his mother’s eyes go red, and she looses an evil smile. She speaks with a voice that is several, layered over top, and Victor realizes she’s been possessed, and turns his magic to trying to free her. The demon that’s possessed her is too strong, and blasts him back. It taunts him, with his weakness, with his inability to save his mother, and blasts a hole through the wall and leaves. An injured Victor pursues, following a trail of blood and fire towards the village’s chapel. As he approaches, it goes up in flames, and screaming can be heard from inside. Victor tears his way in, half with magic, half with his bare hands. Since it’s a Disney+ show, I assume we should be coy about the carnage, but the village’s children, and many of its adults, have burnt to death. The flames do not touch a small bubble in the center, where his mother remains safe from the flame. Despite his youth, young Victor carries his mother outside, before dropping her in the earth, and collapsing with her, exhausted from the feat. He crawls to her, and shakes her, but she’s gone, and he cries out.

We cut to Infinity War, aboard the Asgardian ship filled with flames. A beaten Loki grins and proclaims, “We have a Hulk.” We watch, however, as Loki’s smile fades, as he watches Hulk fall to Thanos’ onslaught. Cut a few moments later, as Loki charges Thanos himself, only to be caught, and killed (we don’t need to linger on him turning blue, because this is a Disney+ show, damnit).

Loki wakes up, again in a black void. He asks if it’s the same black void. Doom is suddenly behind him, and informs him it is not. It was once Hela’s realm, but after her unfortunate collision with Surter, it’s been… under different management. He informs Loki that all fees have been rendered; subtly, in the background, we see a wagonload of Latverians being driven away by a man in a red suit, who tips his hat to the two of them. Suddenly, Loki gasps, and we’re in a different room, with the part of Loki now being played by Lady Sif. Doom explains that they needed an Asgardian vessel to house him; frost giants being eminently more accessible, he tried them first, but only an Asgardian would do, and it just so happened he’d come into the possession of Lady Sif some time prior to Ragnarok.

Later, a sullen Loki is plied with liquor, furnished, it seems, by Doom himself. Loki tells him he isn’t thirsty, but thanks him for the thought. The real Doom enters, takes a stein for each of them from the Bot, and sits opposite him. He tells Loki that he hoped they’d have a moment to talk, so he could pass his condolences to Loki for the loss of his mother. Loki’s surprised, both that he knows this, and at Doom’s gentility. Then he sees something in Doom’s eyes, recognizing a kindred spirit. “You lost your mother, too,” he says quietly. “But you brought me back…”

“Some monsters are easier to deal with than others,” Doom says. He sets down his stein, and we see his ale swirl as we transition to a cauldron. A now adolescent Doom is casting a violent spell that’s created a tempest in the stone room he’s in; we can see that the book he’s using is one of the chanied books from Kamar-Taj. Victor’s fighting just to maintain his footing, let alone continue throwing in reagents and properly speak the words. An explosion shatters his cauldron, sending Doom flying back into the wall. As the contents of the cauldron spill out, his mother, her eyes glowing red, climbs out of the sludge. She tears a bacon-strip starting from her collar-bone and ending along her jaw. The demon inhabiting her explains that he flays Doom’s mother nightly; that her torment is all the sweeter, knowing that Doom suffers just as much above as she does below- but that she made her pact, and she belongs to him, and there’s no magic than can sever her from him. Doom attacks anyway, only for his spells to rebound on him.

Back in Castle Doom, one of Doom’s handmaidens brings Loki a refitted costume, and she tries it on; it’s similar to his old one, but appropriate to Jaime Alexander, instead. She’s admiring herself in a mirror, only when she gets to her face, her smile fades, as she looks into her own eyes. Doom knocks at the door, and she tells him to enter. She doesn’t feel right, having stolen Sif’s body. Doom tells her that Sif should be dead- at the hands of Hela, that she was delayed in Latveria because she tried to reclaim an Asgardian artifact in his position- that subduing her left her unresponsive; it might be a fun conceit, as the series goes along, to have Loki Sif talk to Lady Sif inside their shared head, trying to get her to respond, her slowly becoming more conscious… even as he becomes more attached to being alive in her body. But he tells her that if Loki wishes to vacate her, he will do everything in his power to revive Lady Sif- provided Loki renders aid, first. Doom claims to have mastered human technology at a fairly young age, but that Asgardian technology and sorcery are an entirely new field- perhaps this time giving him enough power to free his mother.

Loki is surprised by that assertion; he thought Doom lived for Latveria. Doom agrees that he does- that he would sell himself and his mother into damnation for his country; but that he would happily damn himself to save his mother. “And if you can…” Loki says, clearly thinking of his own mother. Doom says he would happily share the knowledge with her, if he discovered that secret. Sif asks if he can’t just bargain for her mother. He says he can’t; intercepting a soul not in Hell is simple enough; prying one loose from its maw requires more power than even he has been able to amass… thusfar.

We go back to a teenaged Doom. His armor is cruder, closer to Iron Man’s cave armor and clearly hand-pounded. He blasts his way into a military base, mowing through soldiers until he reaches a rip in reality- a literal mouth opening into Hell. He steps through, and is immediately assailed by an army of monsters- and nearly as quickly repels them. He looses a drone that chirps, flying into the air, then moving in the direction of his mother. He flies after it, landing beside his mother, chained to a throne, where sits the red-eyed demon. It taunts him. Doom unleashes on the demon a truly spectacular amount of magical and technological mayhem, only for it to laugh. Last, Doom tries to snap the chain that binds his mother with his armored hands, to no avail. Collapsing from the exertion at her feet, his mother stands, her eyes glowing red, and punts him back through the rift. He lands badly, several of his bones broken, his armor so destroyed it’s falling off of him as he flees. A young Nick Fury picks up one of the pieces and watches as the kid runs.

We zoom back out of Doom’s eyes as a single tear slides from it, disappearing beneath his mask. We go to credits.

The series continues this way, each episode featuring a different member of his Illuminati, their travails in some way paralleling his rise. Doom would be recruited by SHIELD who would sponsor his formal education; he was bright enough that the super-scientists of the previous generation basically fought over him, Howard Stark and Hank Pym and anyone else we can think of taking turns teaching him to be even brighter; it’s also here that his rivalry with Reed Richards begins. However, once Doom’s inventions start paying off, a Latverian father comes forward, backed by the Latverian government, demanding the boy’s return. Doom is torn, at first, until Valeria, his childhood sweetheart, joins the entreaties, and Doom decides to return home. Once there, however, he’s placed under the thumb of the very same Baron his mother had tried to fight when he was a child. Only this time, Victor fights back, and between his magic and technology routes the Baron- but doesn’t stop there- at the urging of those who had long been held under the Latverian aristocracy’s thumb, Doom topples the entire nobility. His work done, he tries to return to his village, and Valeria, only for the people to insist that he lead their new country. At first, Doom is reluctant- his heart is in his science, after all. Thankfully, his dilemma is circumvented by a threat to the entire Earth- so he can go back to the US to join the international effort, while still faithfully serving Latveria. This is the space mission that Doom undergoes with the Fantastic Four in the 60s (see my pitch for that movie from last year). When he exits the portal, it’s a few years later. Latveria is once again at the mercy of the aristocracy; in his absence, Valeria attempted to rally her countrymen, and was executed. By now Doom doesn’t take off his armor; he’s scarred, and also disgusted by humanity. With relatively little urging from his countrymen, Doom embarks on a bloody coup, executing the nobility to a man by hand. When he notices that even his lieutenants aren’t up to the task of leading his armies or watching the country while he sleeps, Doom builds his army of automated Doom bots. Doom’s technological breakthroughs make Latveria, a once poor, agrarian nation, one of the wealthiest per capita in the world, and it is so highly sought after in the rest of the world that they sweep his atrocities and human rights violations under the rug (not so much in his own country, but basically anywhere that Roma or witches are being persecuted, he repays the atrocities a dozen-fold). It also means that despite his aggression against the Fantastic Four upon their return, he enjoys diplomatic immunity and is untouchable.

Depending on whether or not there’s enough there to last ten episodes, this entire series could be set up for a big confrontation with the Avengers in one of the movies, but there’s always the possibility of having the first 5-6 episodes be Doom’s intermingled origins, and the last 4-5 episodes be interspersed with what the Illuminati actually does once assembled. I would probably have their anti-Thanos plan basically be to try and redirect the energies of the Snap; that they plan to spare humanity by redirecting its murderous energies onto alien worlds, instead, using the combination of their various magics and technologies. They even have a backup for themselves, a prison within Latveria where they can redirect any Snap energy directed at themselves to convicts who would otherwise be put to death. Their larger plan fails (obviously), and their secondary plan partially succeeds, in that they’re able to save themselves… but it destroys both the prison and the surrounding city, as well, killing tens of thousands. I think part of their journey would also be a parallel attempt to get the Infinity Stones. Depending on budget, a pretty great season finale could be them tracking down and brawling with Thanos to try and wrest the gauntlet from him- it looks like he’s in fact going to lose, but at the last minute uses the Gauntlet one final time to destroy the stones. Half the Illuminati want to execute him- but Doom, understanding a man who would gladly die to complete his life’s work, insists they leave him in peace, since there’s nothing more to be done here.

Most of the Illuminati go home, dispirited. Save for Loki. He’s known Doom long enough to know that he’s never understood how to give up. So he asks him what the next phase will be, and Doom reveals he’s working on his own time machine- that they’ve been looking at the problems all wrong. Instead of undoing their losses, they can simply prevent them.

This could be set up for nearly anything; we could have a rollicking dual time-traveling adventure with the Avengers, we could do a version of the Doom and Iron Man in King Arthur’s Camelot storyline; it could even be a set up for some version of the Battleworld story, where Doom goes back in time and makes himself instrumental in every important event in Marvel history, so that he’s revered as its most important and central hero, likely twisting Marvel’s heroes in a Doomward direction, say by turning the Hulk into the Maestro, Iron Man into a Superior version, an Old Man Logan version of Wolverine (all of which could be set up for a new phase, where the heroes, once they’re returned to normal, have to work against what they now realize is a potential future of theirs, that Hulk could become the Maestro again)… until of course it all falls apart and things are set mostly right. I’d probably start small- do the King Arthur thing, but with Rhodey maybe, alongside of a version of Tony’s intellect uploaded into his armor’s AI so he can keep up with Doom’s inventing (but he gives it a different voice, we find out, because hearing Tony in his head was too painful… maybe the end reveal is his suit is catastrophically damaged, and can’t do the voice change anymore- so he has to say his real goodbye to Tony …), do a Disney+ TV Movie that’s riffing on a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, but the possibilities really are pretty limitless.

I think the story opens like this: we see Shuri in costume as a female Black Panther, giving a speech through a voice modulator disguising it’s her, at the UN, talking about the need for the world, in the wake of Thanos’ mass-murder of half the population, to join hands and protect and provide for those left behind. She refuses questions, goes right from there to her plane, where Okaye is waiting. She tears off her mask, to reveal she’s crying, for her brother, for her country- it’s too much to suddenly have thrust on her. Okaye gives her a tough love speech, tells her the Avengers have been calling- and she thinks Wakanda should answer the call. Shuri disagrees- saying they’re in this deep because the Avengers failed, but she won’t stop her from helping them if she’s asking for leave. But first, Okaye drops Shuri off; it’s a mission similar to T’Challa’s first in his movie, a quick espionagey thing, impressive and over quick. Afterward, they fly back to Wakanda in silence.

Shuri’s still deep in thought when she returns to the Temple of the Heart Shaped Herb; it’s been emptied out, and houses a table, with several seated figures we see mostly in shadow as she enters, though even in the low-light we might be able to make out that they’re all wearing similar Panther garb with slight hue variations (similar to Killmonger’s gold). Shuri, annoyed, drops into her seat, removes her mask, and says, it’s done, now it’s time for their next move. We pan around the table, and each Panther removes their mask in turn, revealing, in order: T’Chaka, M’Baku, Ramonda (her mother), Storm, Nakia and Killmonger.

We end on a music sting as we get back to Shuri, and drop in the logo from the Black Panther movie. A panther’s growl is heard, and two swipes tear a bloody “s” at the end, making the title plural. We fade to black, and flash some white text informing us it’s “Sometime earlier…”

We see Shuri on whatever a Wakandan version of a television would look like, and as we pull back, we see the chyron at the bottom of the ‘screen’ states that Shuri, presumed next in the Wakandan lineage, is missing, presumed lost in the Snap. We pan across the street, and see some of the damage done to the Golden City, some from Thanos’ troops, some from disasters as half the population vanished. Some of this damage includes a portion of one of its grander buildings being sheered off, collapsing into the street in a shower of glass (presumably they aren’t all made out of vibranium). Sifting through the rubble are trainees with the Dora Milaje- not yet wearing the ceremonial garb, though their training equipment is a lighter, less adorned variant. Specifically, we linger a moment on Ayo, who pauses to wipe sweat from her brow. It’s just at that moment that her trainer, Aneka, walks by, and chides her for lazing about while Wakanda herself bleeds.

We pan down, not too far beneath the rubble, until we find a small pocket of air, and a shredded pipe dribbling water. Beneath it, catching its water in her mouth, is Shuri, positioned like that because she no longer has the strength to move. She made an effort to bandage a wound in her side, but she’s clearly blead through that, and vainly tries to hold pressure to it. Suddenly, there’s more light as one of the larger pieces of debris shifts. Aneka helps Ayo move it, exposing Shuri to the sun. Ayo gasps, trying to cover her mouth.

Okaye is there when Shuri wakes in a hospital, and tells her she’s surprised she didn’t die. Ramonda is there, and asks for time alone with her daughter. She tells Shuri the other clans have agreed to back her claim to the throne for the time being- she’s cynical enough to think no one wants the job of cleaning up this mess. But she’s held off announcing a new Black Panther. Shuri suggests ‘she’ remain dead- that they play up the metaphysical of the Black Panther mantel, instead- that Wakanda is already wounded, and a flesh and blood ruler would make them more vulnerable still. Her mother agrees, and leaves her to convalesce… and she waits until Ramonda is gone to break out of her hospital room.

She finds her labs largely screwed up from the battle. But she finds the information she was looking for- readings from the Mind Stone embedded in vision, and other readings from Thanos using the stones nearby (along with some video from Infinity War). We have a montage of her testing things for days on end; I like the idea that there’s still a hole through her wall where we watch the sun setting/rising as she goes about this. All of her experiments fail, and she throws something past her mother as she enters in frustration. She’s there because Shuri has responsibilities she can no longer shirk; she could hold the wolves at bay while she healed, but now it’s time to put away childish things. An exhausted, emotionally and physically, Shuri collapses against her mother, and admits that she can’t bring him back. Whatever the Stones are- they are beyond even her. Ramonda spares a moment to grieve with her daughter, before telling her that their people need her more than T’Challa, now, and handing her a fitted version of his costume.

She dons it, and follows Ramonda away. We watch the day drag on through the hole in the wall, into night, before Shuri returns. She pulls off her mask, and yawns, stretching, catching her reflection off a piece of partially broken glass. That gives her an idea, and she pulls up the readings she got off of Thanos as he teleported away (using the Space Stone), immediately after the Snap. Her computers analyze the scene from multiple angles, eventually displaying the number, “68%.” She stares at the number steely-eyed.

We cut to later, as the sun rises. She’s redesigned her gauntlets from Black Panther, and uses it to project a different energy, one that opens a portal- for a second, before it explodes outward, throwing her against the wall; luckily, the kinetic energy is absorbed by her suit. She gets up, and checks her calculations, which are sitting at 74%. She pulls on her mask as her mother arrives, and they leave together. We cut to later, as she walks back in. This time she’s dragging more than before. She does another test, this time hiding behind one of the forcefield cloaks, which absorbs most of the dissipating energy. Her figures are at 82% now. And the portal remains for a moment, long enough for her to jab the tip of a Dora Milaje spear into it, before it disappears, sheering the end of the spear off. She sets the computer to start calculating again, and takes a nap. When she wakes the computer is still calculating, but is up to 90%. She’s about to go towards it when her mother walks in. She scolds Shuri, because she doesn’t like having to march her to work every morning. She glances forlornly back at her equipment as it ticks over into 91%.

She returns at night. Her figures are still stuck at 91%. She tries to adjust things, but the computer tells her it doesn’t have sufficient data to extrapolate further- 91% is as good as it gets. She starts up the gauntlet, and the portal seems stable. She puts the spear in, without incident. She starts put in her right arm, before realizing she’s right-handed and decided to test it with her left, and it comes back without incident. She sees the Black Panther mask laying where she put it, and it reminds her of her brother, and she picks it up, and talks to it like it’s him (Yes, we’re alas poor Yoricking this).

She tells him she’s lost without him, that she knows this is a risk- maybe a stupid risk, since she’s already the back-up ruler. But she doesn’t think she can do this without him- and she isn’t willing to try. “I’m not giving up on you, brother,” she says, putting the mask down. She adjusts the gauntlet, and the portal gets wider, wide enough for her to step into.

We play it like it’s a vision, at first, that she’s at that vision tree, speaking to the ghost of her father. She’s disappointed, because she wanted to travel between worlds, but it’s good to see him. He tells her it’s good to see her, before explaining that this is not a vision. He leads her to the hill that overlooks the Golden City, and there is nothing but flattened, burned earth; if you’ve ever seen the aftermath of a volcanic eruption, that’s the level of destruction we’re talking. T’Chaka reveals that the Avengers fought beside him to stop Thanos- that he personally stopped the Mad Titan- but that the cost was terrible- all of Wakanda reduced to ash, including his wife and his beautiful children. He tells her there’s nothing left for him there, and says it’s time to go. She doesn’t understand, and he says, “You’re here to rescue me, aren’t you?”

They return through her portal, and she collapses onto a couch. She’s relieved, to be unburdened of her mantle. He’s confused. He says he’s not going to take this from her- but he can help her carry the load. Just then, Ramonda comes in, and goes through a rainbow of emotions very rapidly. She’s of course thrilled to have her husband (or at least a version of him) back, and at the same time angry at her daughter for taking such a huge risk, and overwhelmed at her dedication to her brother… it’s just a lot, and thank God we’ve got Angela Bassett delivering it. The episode ends with Ramonda demanding this be the end of her interdimensional adventures, and she agrees, but as her mother leaves, her eyes drift back towards her equipment….

Because I have a life, and pets, and am not being remotely paid for this, I’ll broad-strokes it from here. We’ll probably include a version of the World of Wakanda comics, which is why I dragged in Aneka and Ayo. Each episode would likely be recruiting a new Black Panther, and their world, while Shuri gets pulled deeper into her own bureaucratic Hell.

As we build up this bench of Black Panthers, they would begin to clash in interesting ways since they’re all used to getting their way, eventually forming factions, one of which would likely vie for control of the country. I think the B plot masquerading as the A plot is that a version of Klaw, this time in a much sillier, more comics-appropriate costume, slips through in the wake of one of the stolen Black Panthers- still played by Andy Serkis because he was a rollicking good time. He forms a band of white guerrillas, himself adopting some of the costume accoutrements of Man-Ape, and mocking the White Gorilla clan quite a bit (to M’Baku’s deep irritation). He uses his knowledge of his Wakanda to start amassing a stockpile of vibranium, and using that to outfit and grow his army. 

To spice things up, I think most of this council would eventually be against Shuri, except Killmonger (and maybe M’Baku)- frequently making her question her stance because she’s making a deal with the devil (and a jerk). In the end, she holds fast, and is able to defeat the shadow council of Panthers, who, it turns out, weren’t power-mad; they hatched an idea that to be kind, they needed to be cruel- that none of them wanted her throne, so they needed to toughen her up enough to sit on it- or convince her to stand aside for someone else more suited to the role- before she gets herself or others killed.

In the end, the warring panther factions stop Klaw, finding out he’s a vibranium cyborg and very hard to kill (this is when he ends up looking the most like his comics counterpart). I think the subterfuge of the other panthers is too convincing, and Shuri fights her father to the death, with him finally explaining everything as he’s bleeding out, “I do not usually prefer a trial by fire; but the world is aflame. Wakanda needed you tempered, or it needed you to step aside.”

Aside from being a kind of crazy, but worthwhile story, it would also be a potential solution to the Chadwick Boseman-shaped hole in the franchise. Real talk, for a second: this wouldn’t be an issue if Shuri’s actress hadn’t shared some questionable content on social media; she would have been the presumptive inheritor of the mantle, otherwise (her character has taken over for T’Challa before in the books). This would give her a second at-bat- to give her a chance to prove that she can be a team player, and that she can handle the weight of that legacy… and if she can’t, it opens up a lot of other possibilities. My personal preference, if Shuri can’t be rehabilitated, would be Killmonger. You can lean into the righteous anger with him, but have it be a version of him that outgrew the desire for genocide, who had long talks with the spirit of his uncle and realized how hard it was for him to lose his brother like that- to have to choose fealty to his country over his family. He could even recognize that plenty of the white soldiers he served beside were caught in the same cycles of generational poverty and powerlessness he wanted to eliminate- recognizing that colonialism largely exploited the colonists, too- that it and its modern equivalent (capitalism) monetize the rest of us for the benefit of the monied and powerful- which should get him into the same rough ballpark as T’Challa.